I love the English language. But if you're trying to learn it, it will confuse the life out of you. A good twist of phrase. A play on words. Here are a few alternative definitions to common English words. See if these make you smile:

Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.

Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.

Subdued: A dude who works on a submarine.

Benign: What you be after you be eight.

Primate: Removing your spouse from the front of the TV.

Paralyze: Two far-fetched stories.

My dad used phrases that confused me. "Hey son, cat got your tongue?"

No, no, the cat doesn't have m...