Intertribal Life Newspaper -

I love the English language. But if you're trying to learn it, it will confuse the life out of you. A good twist of phrase. A play on words. Here are a few alternative definitions to common English words. See if these make you smile:

Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.

Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.

Subdued: A dude who works on a submarine.

Benign: What you be after you be eight.

Primate: Removing your spouse from the front of the TV.

Paralyze: Two far-fetched stories.

My dad used phrases that confused me. "Hey son, cat got your tongue?"

No, no, the cat doesn't have my tongue.

Or he'd say, "Sit down. Let's chew the fat."

I had no desire to chew any fat.

Sometimes he'd say, "We'll go to Disneyland when pigs fly." Or "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched." We didn't even have chickens. Of course I came to understand that my dad used something called an idiom. My older brother called me an idiom. Or something like that.

Here are three common idioms, and their origins.

1. Spill the Beans. This dates back to Ancient Greece. It means to reveal a secret. On election day a good citizen would receive a handful of beans. Some white, some black. One container for each candidate was set out, and the citizen would place a white bean in the container if they approved of the candidate and a black bean if they did not. At the end of the day they would spill the beans, to tally up the votes. Thus revealing the secret.

By the way, the word "politics" comes from the Latin "poli" meaning many and "tics." (Okay, that part I made up.)

2. The cold shoulder. This is a rude way of telling someone they aren't welcome. In medieval England when it came time for guests to leave the host would give them a cold piece of meat, and they'd know their time was up.

Sometimes my dad would say to our guests, "Quick, everybody into the backyard." Then he'd lock the door. (I made that up, too.)

3. That's a bunch of baloney. You've probably said this yourself. Baloney is a lunchmeat from Bologna, Italy, which contains actual meat products. It's made up of odds and ends and cheeses and hoofs and things you'd rather not know about.

When I was a kid, Spam and baloney were the only meats we could afford. Then I tasted real chicken, and forever after I couldn't settle for a lousy meat substitute.

iStockphoto/phongphan5922

We've all settled for some baloney in our lives, haven't we? Not just lies we've believed. We've replaced the real deal with a lousy substitute. My dog Mojo does this better than anyone. She drags home disgusting stuff when a fresh bone is waiting or a handful of dried apricots-her favorite thing on earth.

Psalm 34:8 says, "Taste and see that the Lord is good. Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!"

I'm still in process, but the more I taste of the real thing, the less attractive substitutes are; the less attractive sin is.

Today, may we find ourselves saying "no" to temporary substitutes for the real thing-not because we don't want pleasure, but because we want true pleasure, lasting pleasure that is only found in Jesus. Let's taste and see that the Lord is good. Let's give the cold shoulder to phony baloney.

Check out Phil's resources and radio program at philcallaway.com