Intertribal Life Newspaper -

Before she was even a teen, Chelsea had a cell phone. She also soon had her own room complete with a smart TV and her choice of streaming services. By the time she was a young teen, she had all the glam girl trappings like artificial tans and salon treatments that made her look much older than she was.

By the time Chelsea was 14, a new car sat in the driveway, just waiting for her to get her driving permit.

So by the time she was 15, Chelsea pretty much had it all and was bored.

A few months later, Chelsea launched the parental Hiroshima by asking her parents for permission to get married since she wasn't 16 yet. "After all," she reasoned, "we're already married in God's eyes." And to compound their shock, she was then expelled from school for drug possession.

"I don't understand how this could happen," her mom, Dawn, cried. "We raised her in a strong Christian home. And she's not some underprivileged kid. I went back to work to make sure she had all the advantages."

All of us want our kids to have good things in life. But sometimes, having all the good things to gorge on is like letting children have all the candy they want-in the long run it can hurt their health, hinder their appetites for the good foods, and lead them to develop an appetite for harmful things.

Just as limiting the goodies in a child's nutritional life can be a smart choice, a wise decision we parents can make is to purposefully put limits in our children's lives by creating "life stages."

Creating life stages in a child's life means putting age or maturity limitations on some of the different activities or behaviors that rush them out of childhood-such as wearing make-up, enjoying computer and Internet use, having a cell phone, getting a job, etc. Building life stages means we make these activities more into rites of passage for our kids.

As we set up life stages for our children, we give them something to look forward to. We help them see that the path to growing up means taking responsibilities one by one; that it's a process-not something that automatically happens when they turn 18.

Creating life stages can also build other positive qualities in our children's lives. For instance, this practice teaches our children that it's okay to wait for something you're anticipating. Our society says, "Have everything you want now! Don't wait. Don't restrain yourself. Go for it!"

Of course financially, that leads to huge debt as people buy now and pay later. In sexual arenas, this philosophy leads to broken emotions and messed up lives.

By teaching our children life stages, we teach them that instant gratification is often not the wisest or best decision.

There are no set rules for determining at what ages kids should be allowed to do certain things. This will be different for each family. But as you set up life stages for your family, here are some thoughts to consider:

• Determine appropriate ages and stages by asking, "What is the reason for letting my child have or do this?" For instance, eight-year-old Taylor has a cell phone. But she uses it to call her mom at work while Taylor stands at the bus stop alone every morning. For Taylor and her mom it's a security issue, not a status issue.

On the other hand, Lindsey started lusting after cell phones in junior high. But since Lindsey just wanted the phone to be cool, her mom wouldn't allow a cell phone until she was frequently driving alone and earning the money to pay for it.

Sometimes we have to evaluate: Is this an unnecessary "cool factor" or a stage necessary for my child's self-image? A mom may balk at letting a daughter get a bra before she has the figure to fit it. However, sometimes we parents have to admit our kids are growing up and realize that when their friends start to develop physically, they don't want to be the only one in class who's "still a baby."

• Ask, "Is my child ready for this responsibility?" We do our kids a disservice when we let them have a responsibility they're not really ready for-for instance if my son isn't mature enough to not use a cell phone during class, I'm not doing him any favor by giving him one that he will get into trouble for using. Sometimes we even put our kids at risk by letting them have privileges too early-like the mom who learned her daughter was giving out personal information to men on the Internet.

• Ask, "Am I ready for this responsibility?" Parenting is tough enough without giving ourselves extra work to do! When we let our children enter new life stages, we have to commit to be responsible parents. For instance letting a child have a phone in his room may mean monitoring to make sure he's not talking on it instead of doing homework.

• How can I think ahead and spread out the timing of life stages so my kids have their anticipation stretched out?

• Will any life stage send any hidden messages to my child about self-image or materialism? For instance, will letting a daughter get too many beauty treatments too young make her think that her appearance is the most important thing in life? Will letting a boy have all the electronic toys too young set him up for always having to have the latest gadget.

• Would there be any benefits to delaying a life stage until my child is older? What will this life stage logically lead to?

When your child reaches a life stage, enthusiastically help him or her enter it. When he's old enough for a mountain bike, help him select one. When she's old enough to shave, pick out gel and razors together and show her how to do it-take her to lunch to celebrate her impending womanhood. When your son is ready for a job, help him research the market. Use life stages not only as signposts of growing up, but also as opportunities to bond.