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It's that time of year when I get to cook Mother's Day dinner and try out the smoke detector. I can't wait. I believe it was Eve in the Garden of Eden who first said, "Because I said so, that's why." Ever since, moms have been saying wise and sometimes hilarious things. One mother said, "Be nice to your brother; you may need one of his kidneys someday." Or consider Brett's mom, who said: "You're not listening. You need to start listening to me. I might say something important...
After I spoke somewhere, a gentleman told me he was a beekeeper. "Bees are the most amazing creatures in the world," he said. "Look them up." I did. And now, whenever I hear a bee buzzing, I smile. It is the sound of one of creation's truly awesome marvels. Did you know those wings are beating more than 190 times a second? Try that with your arms. When the bumblebee lands on one of a few hundred flowers in our yard, the buzzing changes. Because it is now chewing bumble gum...
A four-year-old asked his mom, "What happens when you die?" She said, "You go to be with Jesus." He said, "No. I mean when you die. Do I get your stuff?" The Bible mentions money or possessions about 2000 times. In the book of 1 Timothy, the apostle Paul tells his young protégé Timothy that when it comes to money, followers of Jesus should be characterized by three things: contentment, trust, and generosity. "Godliness with contentment," he said, "is great gain." The great pre...
Do you have some bad memories? Embarrassing moments? Anything you'd like to forget? Maybe it was the time you put both contact lenses into the same eye. Or that day your twin sister forgot your birthday. No! I hate when that happens. Or you woke up from a sound sleep screaming because your braces were stuck together. And you were in the front row of church at the time? Ha! Perhaps you'd like to renenber the time you showed up for work and were greeted by Anderson Cooper of...
A pirate captain set out to retrieve a treasure chest he had buried, full of gold and silver-the booty he had plundered. It was hidden deep in a swamp at the center of the island. He and his first mate bravely entered the swamp and soon were up to their knees in water. Suddenly the Captain banged his shin against something hard. He reached down and pulled up a treasure chest. Prying open the lock, he gazed upon the loot. "Arrr matey," said the Captain, "That just goes to show...
How is your smile? I've been reading about the benefits of a good one. And the riches of turning a frown upside down. Apparently it takes 22 of our 42 facial muscles to smile and 37 of them to frown. You wanna save energy? Smile. You wanna bring joy? Smile. On average, women smile 62 times a day. Men? Eight times. Ouch! Guys! Kids smile about 400 times a day, adults 35 times. Where did we lose 365 laughs a day? That's 133,000 a year. There are a thousand benefits to a smile. H...
I'm at the age where I think about the hereafter more than ever. I arrive at the fridge and wonder what I'm hereafter. Seriously, heaven is looking sweeter all the time, partly because so many family and friends are there sooner than we thought they'd be. But maybe you have questions about heaven or you believe it is a myth, the creation of delusional wishful thinkers. I'm well acquainted with myths. I grew up on them. Here are five of them, the first two my mother used on...
I don't know about you, but I've never really liked pain. In ninth grade I weighed a whopping eighty-one pounds if I was carrying a suitcase so I decided to beef up by gorging myself on triple cheeseburgers and lifting weights. One Saturday, as I lay on my back thrusting a barbell into the air, those thirty pounds got away from me. I can still recall the event in vivid technicolor-in slow motion, sometimes in the middle of the night. That barbell came crashing toward my nose....
I was picking out a Valentine's card for my wife. One section read, "Apology Cards." I was curious. Flipping through them, I found mostly excuses. "I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking." "I didn't mean it." "I experienced temporary insanity." "I'm sorry for offending you." In school, one child was told to write an apology to a friend. He wrote, "Dear Brody, Miss P. made me write you this note. All I want to say sorry for . . . is for not being sorry cause I tried to feel sorry but I...
It's a new year. That time when my dentist says, "Out with the old teeth; in with the new." That time when we leave some things behind. In January 1973, I left trumpet lessons behind. I picked that thing up, and neighbor dogs would clap their paws over their ears and howl. Little kids would yell, "Mama! Make it stop!" In January 1974, I left piano lessons. And picked up the guitar. I'm so glad. Pianos are hard to carry. In January 1983, I left behind a moustache. And some...
Recently a California delivery truck spilled 150,000 tomatoes across Interstate 80. To help us ketchup on this juicy story, news crews reported that the truck hit a central divider spilling its cargo. One car got stuck in the mess, causing a chain reaction of crashes involving four vehicles. Is this how they make pizza sauce now? I'd love to report that a truck came right behind hauling hot peppers, cilantro and onions, but it's not true. I'm told no one was seriously...
I am an extremely young grandpa, still able to outrun and outjump thirteen grandkids. It helps that they are seven and under. When they're worn out from trying to catch me, they say, "Read to me." Sweeter words were seldom spoken. My second grandchild, Eowyn, snuggles up on my lap and listens, wide-eyed as three little oinkers set out to seek their fortune. She loves pigs. Loves it when the first little porker buys a load of straw. Loves it when the sweet little swine builds...
A kid of nine or ten came up to me and told me a joke: "I went to buy some camouflage clothing. But I couldn't find any." It took me a second or two, but finally I laughed. Here's another joke you may want to tell to absolutely no one: "Last week I bought some camouflage clothing, but nobody seemed to notice." All right, let's move on. Here are five of the most expensive clothes ever sold at auction. • In 2008, Queen Victoria's Bloomers sold for $9,000. According to the LA T...
I asked my 4-year-old grandson for the highlight of his day. He said, "Growing tobacco." Where he heard this, I'll never know. Here are other unfiltered thoughts from children: Jeanie said, "People are composed of girls and boys, also men and women. Boys are an awful bother. They want everything they see except soap." Reminds me of the thief who stole 30 bars of soap. Forgive me, but he made a clean getaway. A five-year-old was peeking into a baby carriage and saw twins. He...
When I'm having a bad day, I'm glad I'm not alone. At the Fitzwilliam Museum in Cambridge England, a loose shoelace, a lack of handrails and a marble wall conspired to give one ill-fated patron an Inspector Clousseau moment while bringing a shattering conclusion to the earthly pilgrimage of three Qing dynasty vases. Mr. Flynn's misadventure began when he ascended the wrong staircase, pivoted, and tripped on an untied shoelace. "I couldn't stop myself," he said. Hurtling...
