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It's that time of year when I get to cook Mother's Day dinner and try out the smoke detector. I can't wait. I believe it was Eve in the Garden of Eden who first said, "Because I said so, that's why." Ever since, moms have been saying wise and sometimes hilarious things. One mother said, "Be nice to your brother; you may need one of his kidneys someday." Or consider Brett's mom, who said: "You're not listening. You need to start listening to me. I might say something important...
After I spoke somewhere, a gentleman told me he was a beekeeper. "Bees are the most amazing creatures in the world," he said. "Look them up." I did. And now, whenever I hear a bee buzzing, I smile. It is the sound of one of creation's truly awesome marvels. Did you know those wings are beating more than 190 times a second? Try that with your arms. When the bumblebee lands on one of a few hundred flowers in our yard, the buzzing changes. Because it is now chewing bumble gum...
When I was child, January 1 was the one time of year I could stay up late without grownups reprimanding me. They were nice to us all day. Especially if we stayed outdoors. And we did. We ice skated and built massive snow forts and pelted each other with snowballs. One year, we built the world's greatest snow fort, complete with three tunnels and windows you could poke your head through just in time to be plastered by a snowball. The fort was so big I think it caused an...
Christmases of my childhood were magical times and few things were more magical than the Christmas program, a time when kids sang badly to great applause and sometimes raucous laughter, especially when they got mixed up and, with giant cards, spelled out "Christmas Rats," instead of "Christmas star." The climax was the end of the program, when we each received a candy bag. Danny Brown took up residence in the desk behind me at school one year, and in early December, his father...
A four-year-old asked his mom, "What happens when you die?" She said, "You go to be with Jesus." He said, "No. I mean when you die. Do I get your stuff?" The Bible mentions money or possessions about 2000 times. In the book of 1 Timothy, the apostle Paul tells his young protégé Timothy that when it comes to money, followers of Jesus should be characterized by three things: contentment, trust, and generosity. "Godliness with contentment," he said, "is great gain." The great pre...
Recently, a doctor friend sent me a list of actual notes made on patients' medical charts. I hope you find them as funny as I did: "Patient's medical history has been remarkable, with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days." "She slipped on the ice, and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December." "The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 2003." "On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day . . . it...
Do you have some bad memories? Embarrassing moments? Anything you'd like to forget? Maybe it was the time you put both contact lenses into the same eye. Or that day your twin sister forgot your birthday. No! I hate when that happens. Or you woke up from a sound sleep screaming because your braces were stuck together. And you were in the front row of church at the time? Ha! Perhaps you'd like to renenber the time you showed up for work and were greeted by Anderson Cooper of...
A pirate captain set out to retrieve a treasure chest he had buried, full of gold and silver-the booty he had plundered. It was hidden deep in a swamp at the center of the island. He and his first mate bravely entered the swamp and soon were up to their knees in water. Suddenly the Captain banged his shin against something hard. He reached down and pulled up a treasure chest. Prying open the lock, he gazed upon the loot. "Arrr matey," said the Captain, "That just goes to show...
I don't encourage graffiti-painting buildings without being employed to do so. But there is some funny graffiti out there. A huge billboard says, "This year thousands of men will die from stubbornness." Below is spray-painted, "No we won't." Below a sign, "In case of fire, do not use elevator," someone spray-painted "Use water." In large letters on a plywood divider it says, "Bill posters will be prosecuted." Below, it says, "Bill Posters is an innocent man." On the back of a...
How is your smile? I've been reading about the benefits of a good one. And the riches of turning a frown upside down. Apparently it takes 22 of our 42 facial muscles to smile and 37 of them to frown. You wanna save energy? Smile. You wanna bring joy? Smile. On average, women smile 62 times a day. Men? Eight times. Ouch! Guys! Kids smile about 400 times a day, adults 35 times. Where did we lose 365 laughs a day? That's 133,000 a year. There are a thousand benefits to a smile. H...
I'm at the age where I think about the hereafter more than ever. I arrive at the fridge and wonder what I'm hereafter. Seriously, heaven is looking sweeter all the time, partly because so many family and friends are there sooner than we thought they'd be. But maybe you have questions about heaven or you believe it is a myth, the creation of delusional wishful thinkers. I'm well acquainted with myths. I grew up on them. Here are five of them, the first two my mother used on...
Kids help me laugh. My grandson said, "Grandpa, you're bald. You look extinguished." Animals help me laugh, too. If you've seen a naked mole rat or a hairless cat, you know God has a sense of humor. Then there's the platypus. I can picture God designing the prototype as angels look on in wonder: "I'll give it a body with flippers on its feet, a little like a beaver. Then, why not a duck head? And have it lay eggs. That will amuse and confuse the humans." I imagine God saying,...
I don't know about you, but I've never really liked pain. In ninth grade I weighed a whopping eighty-one pounds if I was carrying a suitcase so I decided to beef up by gorging myself on triple cheeseburgers and lifting weights. One Saturday, as I lay on my back thrusting a barbell into the air, those thirty pounds got away from me. I can still recall the event in vivid technicolor-in slow motion, sometimes in the middle of the night. That barbell came crashing toward my nose....
I was picking out a Valentine's card for my wife. One section read, "Apology Cards." I was curious. Flipping through them, I found mostly excuses. "I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking." "I didn't mean it." "I experienced temporary insanity." "I'm sorry for offending you." In school, one child was told to write an apology to a friend. He wrote, "Dear Brody, Miss P. made me write you this note. All I want to say sorry for . . . is for not being sorry cause I tried to feel sorry but I...
It's a new year. That time when my dentist says, "Out with the old teeth; in with the new." That time when we leave some things behind. In January 1973, I left trumpet lessons behind. I picked that thing up, and neighbor dogs would clap their paws over their ears and howl. Little kids would yell, "Mama! Make it stop!" In January 1974, I left piano lessons. And picked up the guitar. I'm so glad. Pianos are hard to carry. In January 1983, I left behind a moustache. And some...
Recently a California delivery truck spilled 150,000 tomatoes across Interstate 80. To help us ketchup on this juicy story, news crews reported that the truck hit a central divider spilling its cargo. One car got stuck in the mess, causing a chain reaction of crashes involving four vehicles. Is this how they make pizza sauce now? I'd love to report that a truck came right behind hauling hot peppers, cilantro and onions, but it's not true. I'm told no one was seriously...
I love statistics. Here are a few I came up with myself: Somewhere out there a woman will give birth to a baby every quarter of a second. I say we need to find that woman and stop her. I'm kidding! God bless you, moms. You're awesome. Here are a few more statistics based loosely on actual facts: For every bank that gets robbed today, 2,872 puppies will be born and 32 hedgehogs will find new homes. For every plane that crashes, more than a million will land safely, with about 4...
If you could use a little good news today, here are a few stories to cheer you up. We begin in Rio Linda, California, where last December a man dressed as Santa was in for a shock. Highway Patrol reported that jolly old St. Nick was flying a parachute with a motor and wheels. He was on his way to deliver candy canes to community kids when he found himself entangled in power lines. As you might suspect, this sparked the gathering of quite a crowd. Colleen Bousliman, who lives...
I love the English language. But if you're trying to learn it, it will confuse the life out of you. A good twist of phrase. A play on words. Here are a few alternative definitions to common English words. See if these make you smile: Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does. Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife. Subdued: A dude who works on a submarine. Benign: What you be after you be eight. Primate: Removing your spouse from the front of the TV. Paralyze: Two...
What scares you? I fear having a heart attack while playing the game Charades. And public speaking. I fear heights. I get woozy on a stepladder, or looking down a staircase, or when I sing gospel classics like "Love Lifted Me." That's what you get from living your entire life on the prairies, where the largest hill in sight is that mound of dirt a gopher pushed up in your backyard. Of course, fear is healthy if you stumble on a grizzly bear and her cubs. It'll stop you from gi...
I am an extremely young grandpa, still able to outrun and outjump thirteen grandkids. It helps that they are seven and under. When they're worn out from trying to catch me, they say, "Read to me." Sweeter words were seldom spoken. My second grandchild, Eowyn, snuggles up on my lap and listens, wide-eyed as three little oinkers set out to seek their fortune. She loves pigs. Loves it when the first little porker buys a load of straw. Loves it when the sweet little swine builds...
When my aging parents lived in our granny suite, they bought a new stereo because they could no longer hear the old one. The old one was an attractive little unit, complete with record player and 8-track. I think Noah used it on the Ark for weather reports. I was showing Mom and Dad how to set the digital clock on their new unit when my son Jeffrey, who had been admiring the 100-watt speakers said, "Um, Grandpa, you should put this thing in your will. I'd like it." My father...
I am an extremely young grandpa. I'm still able to outrun and outjump the grandkids. It helps that they are five and under. When they're worn out from trying to catch me, they say, "Read to me." Sweeter words were seldom spoken. My second grandchild, Eowyn, snuggles up on my lap and listens, wide-eyed as three little oinkers set out to seek their fortune. She loves pigs. Loves it when the first little porker buys a load of straw. Loves it when the sweet little swine builds a...
A kid of nine or ten came up to me and told me a joke: "I went to buy some camouflage clothing. But I couldn't find any." It took me a second or two, but finally I laughed. Here's another joke you may want to tell to absolutely no one: "Last week I bought some camouflage clothing, but nobody seemed to notice." All right, let's move on. Here are five of the most expensive clothes ever sold at auction. • In 2008, Queen Victoria's Bloomers sold for $9,000. According to the LA T...
I asked my 4-year-old grandson for the highlight of his day. He said, "Growing tobacco." Where he heard this, I'll never know. Here are other unfiltered thoughts from children: Jeanie said, "People are composed of girls and boys, also men and women. Boys are an awful bother. They want everything they see except soap." Reminds me of the thief who stole 30 bars of soap. Forgive me, but he made a clean getaway. A five-year-old was peeking into a baby carriage and saw twins. He...
